What is love? National Geographic magazine, some time back, ran a feature on it and described it as a chemical reaction. Wow, what an anti-climax: the thought that all those intense, severe, fierce, powerful feelings of passion, which one would call “Love,” are nothing but a collection of chemicals influencing the synapses in your brain’s nerves. Thanks for that NatGeo, that helps me as much as brick-flavoured cheese spread. That’s when you’re pushing the research boundaries. There’s a line guys, the Geographic crossed it.

Here’s the thing though, love is one of those things that is never simple. It’s always complicated, at least, that’s my experience of it. In light of this, maybe it is an idea to look at it from a scientific perspective. Maybe it’s not so much a case of “I love you, but you make me mad and I don’t know why,” but rather “I feel a lot of dopamine when you make me laugh, but when you’re with your school friends my levels of chemical-X are at their highest.” That approach might make things easier to comprehend. That way, we can avoid the complication of love.

The National Geographic approach also solves the problem regarding different kinds of Love. The way that you love your partner is different to the way you love your family. The way you love your friends is different to the way you love your fellow countrymen. The way you love your goldfish is different to how you feel about that dessert. It probably all has something to do with different levels of chemicals in your brain. And I think there’s something special about that, because it makes this creepy situation between your goldfish and the Crème Brule a little easier to deal with. It also helps me understand why I want to kiss my girlfriend, but not my sister.

I also have to consider, just for this paragraph at least, the situation with arranged marriages. Can a relationship that is forced allow Love to form? I know of people who have been forced into marriage, and have learnt to love each other. Okay, I lie, I don’t know anyone in that situation, but I saw it in a film once. But irregarless (that’s a new word), that situation could happen. Love can grow. And I know this because Love is a varying concoction of chemicals; so in the same way, a song that gets played every night at every club can eventually grow on you, so too can you get used to someone and start to develop feelings for them. This is because it’s all due to chemicals. Maybe it’s all down to the right mix, like when you’re trying to fuse new flavours or combine different singers: sometimes it works wonderfully and the meal is delicious, and other times you realise that Timberland, Justin and Madonna just wasted four minutes of your life, and they didn’t save the world in said amount of time.

I have to use examples in my attempt to get some sort of cohesion of what the deal is here, because we all have a different understanding of Love, and each of us loves in a different way. I doubt that you love dead people in the same way that I do… Jokes, I’m not a necrophiliac, but that’s my point. You can love some things, and really not love others, no matter how much it’s forced, or how much your parents are pushing you into a relationship (with a dead person? Wtf? But at least you won’t argue about which film you want to watch).

But what is it about love that leads to marriage? I guess marriage, and the decision to spend the rest of life with someone is not that simple either. I know you’re picturing the typical instance: two people happily married walking down the beach and living out their lives together, eventually old and creased and dead in the same coffin. Here’s a spanner to throw in the works: what about polygamy? Zuma said he loves all his wives. So did King Mswati of Swaziland. King Mswati loves wives so much that he gets a new one every year. No, really. He picks out a new wife at the annual reed dance, in which all the Swazi women take their tops off and go for a nice march to the king. Can you really love more than one person? I would say “yes.” Imagine all the people you’ve had a proper relationship with. Now imagine meeting them all at once, and that you still love them all as you have done. Imagine spending your life with each of them. I can see each one bringing something unique to the relationship, and if you’ve been able to have feelings for all them, what’s to stop you from having all those feelings at once? It’s all chemicals remember, so you’ll just have to have the right balance to allow feelings for however many people.

So technically, love is a chemical reaction. Forgive the cliché, but in life, Love is so much more than that. Love is when you know that you have a special place for someone. Love is when your stomach drops when you think of that certain someone. Love is what makes you go crazy insane when you fight with your girlfriend or boyfriend but still want to kiss them afterwards. Love is what makes you want to spend your lifetime with someone (by lifetime, I mean five years, what with this divorce rate of ours). Love is different to each person. “All you need is Love/Love makes the world go round” vibe. You know what I mean! It’s just mos Love. Now go write a song about it, indie kid.

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You meet a very intriguing man, a young businessman who seems as though he’s doing well for himself. As an undergrad student, you feel as though you’ve struck gold. He’s 25 and your 21; the age gap is not an issue.

You’d love to know him a little better, so you go out on a date…

The date seems to be going very well; you’re looking fabulous and he’s not looking too bad. The conversation is not as interesting as you’d like it to be and you keep it safe as a first date is no place for personal secrets. You decide to start asking questions and you find out….

That he commutes by train and taxi, even to dates. Hmmm, this doesn’t bother you much; you’ve experience the joys and pains of public transport and conclude that his priorities may lie in more important matters.  No problem. As the night progresses and your stomach reaches its most satisfied capacity, he asks for the bill. Before you finish your last drink for the night he, slowly pushes the bill your way and explains that; in much haste, he must have left his wallet at home, having only R100 on him. The Bill is R320 (he insisted you try the dessert; guess whose paying for it?). Trying not to cry over the damage to your student budget you figure, hey, its not as though this will ever happen again. So you smile and pay the entire bill. As you are both about to leave, he asks if you could drive him home. (For a working man, he doesn’t have much to show for it.) You fake a slight smile and say, sure. Not having much petrol in your tank you stop at a petrol station to fill up, somehow expecting him to offer his R100, he looks at you and says that he needs to buy a monthly commuting ticket with it. You giggle. (Did this man not tell me that he WORKS?!)What a night. Finally you two arrive at the other end of town and feel way too tired to initiate or take part in any conversation. He says a few words, you smile inattentively and as soon as he steps out the car turns to close the car door, you drive off. No goodbye, No awkward kiss on the cheek, just the relief of finally ending a date you now wish had not happened!

Heck, you just wanted to get to know him and enjoy the perks of being a lady which did not include paying for the date!!! Guess you found out way more then you’d expected.

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I was raised to love mankind and accept it with all its flaws. Amidst my Anglican family, “Love thy enemy” is what the big man with the pretty dress would say. Being a kid, that was pretty easy for me, though life’s harsh realities seem to have made it harder.

Enemies…These creatures prey on you as though you were their very last option. I am no innocent victim, trust me, I’m very sure I have inflicted my fair share of torment upon others, but this seems to be the conspiracy theory when enemies are concerned. Unconsciously, they appear to grow on us and have some sort of control over us. From the girl who stole your lunch in kindergarten, to the woman who is now not afraid to show you that she hates your guts and would kill to see you down. Comforting to some, yet tormenting for others. Depends on how you see the situation.

I hate to admit it, but we can be the very cause of our own destruction, and  probably 95% of the time we are!!  Take that as you will, but the enemy depends on us for survival and we depend on it just as much. Why? Because they boost your self-esteem, and you give them a sense of power. An old friend once told me, in arrogance, “If you have no enemies, then you must be doing something wrong”. That definitely fed my ego!! Yet it also made me realise that I was under the enemy’s control.

It is said the ego lives on identification and so as it struggles to survive, as we all do, it tries to protect and enlarge itself. What better way than by criticizing my fellow brother? By reacting to the ego of another in such a manner as my dear friend and I, you only strengthen it, and become dependant on that person for your sense of self worth. This is where letting go becomes a powerful tool, allowing you to bask in the freedom of peace instead of having to defend your being at every turn.

If you can understand that ‘Enemies’ are merely an illusion, a state of mind, perhaps you won’t let them get under your skin. Consider this: at times, the fault you are so quick to point out in someone else isn’t even there. “..it is a total misinterpretation, a projection by a mind conditioned to see enemies and to make itself right or superior”, says Eckhart Tolle, the author of A New Earth (a psychological read that focuses on our common dysfunction- the ego).

Jesus asks, “ Why do you see the speck in your brothers eye but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” We are all in the wrong here, so I kindly warn you not to become the very thing that may destroy you. Love yourself and others enough as to NOT  lose yourself to a burden such as hate. “By the plan of my destruction, you only master your own death”.

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I’d like to believe I am learning from these experiences. Like my ex-boyfriend. Let’s call him Mr X to protect the not-so-innocent. I had the brilliant idea of surprising my man at an event where he was (evidently definitely) not expecting to see me. Cue my boyfriend, his other girlfriend and his best friend arriving together. On seeing me, said boyfriend is a bundle of nerves, sweaty palms and monosyllables. Imagine having two of the four women you’re going out with, in the same place, at the same time… Luckily for him I’m not one of those “hell-hath-no-fury” types. It wasn’t amusing then but now it’s hilarious. At least I gave him a real surprise.

Some guys, like my Mr X, say they are looking for the perfect woman, which is why they go out with several. They like different aspects of these women who would  altogether they would make this Perfect Woman. This is presumably based on the laughable assumption that he himself is perfect but we won’t go there… We’ve all been through the heartbreaks of cheating narcissistic boyfriends. You live and you learn, right?

Quite possibly the worst experience is to be in love with someone you can’t have. I’ve been in love but unfortunately it was one of those things that was just bad timing. In a way that’s harder to accept. Funny how such a universal thing as getting your heart broken feels so solitary, like you’re the only one in the world who has loved with such fervour and of course, in the history of the human race no one has felt or could possibly understand the pain you’re going through. Right?

A friend (okay fine, it was me) even told me about a boyfriend who used to send her the same smses twice, not knowing that he had actually already sent her that sweet sms. But these things help you grow (said with wise and serious Oprah face).

Either way, whether it’s unrequited love, bad timing, cheating, whatever – it still hurts.

So what to do when you’ve ‘loved and lost’? My solution? Go back to spending time  with your friends, read books, get out, dance, drink, watch movies, change your hairstyle, whatever works for you. Just try to be very busy. But we all know the best revenge is to look incredibly hot. Just remember

You’ll know you’re okay when you can laugh or walk past him, say hi and be fine with just that. Then you’re ready to meet your own Perfect Man, whether it be on the bus, in the printing queue for a late essay, or wherever. That will make all the suffering worth it. That’s what I’m hoping for. Love and relationships are difficult and complicated at the best of times but when you find the real thing, it’ll be worth it. Or maybe I’m just a fool for love.

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